Cloud of Dust
by SeGate
Summary: After Ike's death, Buck is left grieving. Will some advice from a friend help him find a way to go on?


The summer air weighed heavily in the bunkhouse, the warmth pressing like a woolen blanket on hot skin. Buck had fallen into a fitful sleep, his dreams as uncomfortable as the oppressive heat. His mind often forced him to relive one of the worst days of his life. Sometimes he arrived earlier, sometimes later, but the result was always the same. He found himself constantly faced with Ike's death.

The low, distant roll of thunder finally woke him, and he flopped to his back with disgust. Yet another night when peaceful slumber would elude him. The full moon gave enough light to look around the room and see that his fellow riders were all abed. He listened intently. Jimmy, Cody, and Noah were definitely sleeping. Kid appeared to be tossing and turning, likely for the same reason that Lou was wide awake and crying. Her back to the room, he could hear the faint catch in her breathing and a slight sniffle from time to time.

Everyone's lives seemed to be going on but his. Some days were better, not exactly good but not bitterly painful. Other days, like this one, he felt as if he were at the bottom of a dark hole or in the depths of a cave. His mind recalled the story Teaspoon had once told him about the Salem witch trials. They had piled heavy rocks on a man's chest to get him to confess to witchcraft. Buck was beginning to understand what that man might have experienced. He felt the pressure of immense grief weighing him down like so many stones. He was drowning in the darkness.

The walls were closing in on him. Despite his best efforts, his eyes traveled to the empty bunk. Before he knew what he was about, he was on his feet. Fighting for breath, he grabbed his clothes and slipped out into the night. He heard Lou call his name quietly, but he couldn't go back in that room right now. Even though he knew she would worry about him, he couldn't spend another second in the same room with Ike's absence.

He felt himself almost inexorably drawn to the barn. As quietly as he could, he entered the structure and lit the lantern. Walking past Katy, Lightning, and even his own trusty mount, he found himself looking at Ike's horse. While the other animals slept on, Buck saddled the dark steed with Ike's old gear and led him outside. He swung up easily and galloped away from the station, vaguely aware of Lou calling his name from the porch of the bunkhouse.

Horse and rider became as one as they rode hard across the open prairie. The full moon illuminated their path even as heat lightning crackled in the distance. Finally Buck slowed the pace and let the horse have his head. He wasn't surprised when they ended up in the meadow where they had laid Ike to rest. The dark mount was mourning the loss of his owner as well, and Buck knew that the spirits also spoke to animals. Leaning forward to stroke the horse's neck, he weighed his words. Maybe it was time to speak to one of the spirits himself.

"Hello, Ike." His voice resounded loudly in the heat. "I wish I knew if you were listening. I've always believed in the Great Spirit and felt his guidance. But I've been so long in the white world that sometimes I question everything. I cannot see the hand of the Great Spirit in how you were taken from us... from me." Buck felt a faint whisper of cool air stirring around him, ruffling his hair. The leaves and grass were unmoving and silent. A chill ran down his spine and prickled his flesh.

"Ike, you _are_ listening!" Buck had never been more certain of anything in his life. Ike was with him in this meadow. There was suddenly so much to say. "I miss you so much, brother. You know I thought of you like that, but I should have told you long ago that you have been more of a brother to me than he who shares my blood."

Unashamed of the tears that streamed freely down his face, he continued, "I miss you every day. Some days I don't think I'll be able to even get out of bed, and others find me working non-stop. As if constant labor will keep your memory at bay. I tried everything, Ike. Everyone tried to give me advice on how to do this. Cody tried to make me laugh, and Noah had a book that he thought would help. Kid said he just tried to put Jed out of his mind, but I don't want to forget you. And since Neville's already dead, Jimmy was at a loss. Rachel keeps trying to make my favorite foods, but I ain't got much appetite. And Teaspoon..." Buck chuckled silently. "Teaspoon has told me so many stories that I ain't sure if he has any left."

He was quiet for a moment, feeling almost shy about sharing the rest. "But then I talked to Lou. She's been a pretty good listener through all this. Maybe it's 'cause she's a girl, but she's been easier to talk to than anyone else. And she told me to quit avoidin' you." Buck looked toward the spot where he had last seen Ike's form enveloped in fire. With a sigh he continued, "So I carry your bandana with me. And I ride your horse. When we're flying across the prairie together, it feels... I don't know, it feels like you're right next to me. And we're racin' like we used to. I can see you out the corner of my eye. But when I turn my head to look at you, you're gone."

Again the cool breeze swirled around his body. "But I guess you're not really gone after all. You're there, in the wind when I'm flying. When the horses suddenly settle down, it's your spirit they feel. And when I think about walking away from the Pony Express and everyone here, I'm thinkin' it's you that keeps pullin' me back." Buck felt a smile start to curve his lips. "Thanks, brother. And please, Ike, remember me in the land behind the sun."

The cool breeze that had been swirling around him whipped up. Dust danced around him in a cloud, but didn't touch him or the horse. His heart felt lighter as the whirlwind danced around him. Ike's mount watched calmly, as if he too could feel his master's presence. Buck felt his spirit grow lighter and gradually became aware of a sound that had become foreign to his own ears. Laughter was bubbling up from his soul and spilling from his lips. Joy. Undeniable joy surrounded him like an embrace.

Later when he rode quietly back to the station, Lou was sitting on the porch waiting for him. Her eyes searched his face. "You alright?"

Buck answered as he climbed down, "Yeah. You didn't have to wait up for me."

"I was worried about you, Buck. You rode outta here like yer hair was on fire." She studied him again, her brown eyes serious. "But you seem different now... Did you find what you was lookin' fer?"

Pulling her into an embrace, Buck rested his chin on the top of her head. "I did. I really think I did. Thank you, Lou."

She pulled back to look at him again. "Fer what? I didn't do nothin'."

Buck laughed. His heart warmed when he saw the tears forming in his friend's eyes. "You listened. And ya told me not to avoid Ike's memory. Thank you."

Lou looked embarrassed but pleased by his words. When she spoke, her voice was gruff with emotion, "'Tweren't nothin'. I'll see to yer horse."

He tried to protest, but realized he was suddenly exhausted by the night's events. He slipped into the bunkhouse as Lou stabled and cared for her friend's trusty mount. When she was finished, Lou crossed the yard to the bunkhouse. As she quietly closed the door behind her she looked to Buck's bunk and was surprised to find it empty. She turned, planning to go outside to look for him when a sight caught her eye and stole her breath. There was Buck, his head pillowed on his hand like a child, sleeping peacefully on Ike's bunk.

A cool breeze blew through the open windows. Climbing back into her bunk, Lou lay down with a smile. "Thanks, Ike."

* * *

_**This piece was inspired by the song "I Drive Your Truck" by Lee Brice. Many thanks to Beulah for her help :)**_

I Drive Your Truck by Lee Brice

Eighty-nine cents in the ashtray  
Half empty bottle of Gatorade  
Rollin' on the floorboard

That dirty Braves cap on the dash  
Dogtags hangin' from the rear view  
Old Skoal can and cowboy boots  
And a "Go Army" shirt folded in the back

This thing burns gas like crazy  
But that's all right  
People got their ways of copin'  
Oh, and I've got mine

I drive your truck  
I roll every window down  
And I burn up  
Every road in this town  
I find a field, I tear it up  
Till all the pain is a cloud of dust  
Yes, sometimes, I drive your truck

I leave that radio playin'  
The same ole country station  
Where you left it

Yeah, man, I crank it up  
You'd probably punch my arm right now  
If you saw this tear rollin' down my face  
Hey, man, I'm tryin' to be tough

And Mama asked me this mornin'  
If I'd been by your grave  
But that flag of stone  
Ain't where I feel you, anyway

I drive you truck  
I roll every window down  
And I burn up  
Every back road in this town  
I find a field, I tear it up  
Till all the pain is a cloud of dust  
Yes, sometimes, I drive your truck

I've cussed, I've prayed, I've said goodbye  
I've shook my fist and asked God why  
These days, when I'm missin' you this much

I drive your truck  
I roll every window down  
And I burn up  
Every back road in this town  
I find a field, and I tear it up  
Till all the pain is a cloud of dust  
Yes, sometimes,  
Brother, sometimes, I drive your truck

I drive your truck  
I hope you don't mind  
I hope you don't mind  
I drive your truck


End file.
